Letter 17

Hey Sec,

Felt nice to receive your mail after so long. My examinations have ended as well and so I can write to you elaborately about things happening on this side of the solar system (for I have realized sometime back that the World in not Enough).
From a very young age I have been fond of other worldly creatures. That explains my intimacy with most HST-ans. I was not quite shocked to read about Nike because whatever Cos says, fact remains, I am an expert on HST-ans and you can count on that. So I kind of guessed how Nike would turn out to be in the end, even when Cos was insisting that he is far saner than some other HST-ans and better looking that Rehan.
Rohan from HST-Fire has been consistently failing in his exams. He first fails in tests, then in retests and then in tests on retests. And I guess he has after all found a replacement for Pichku which also adds to his failure since no HST-an can ever be happy with a nice, sane girl- take it from me.
Meanwhile I have a wonderful tale to tell about the “kid” as you put it- Renoy from HST-space. In fact there is some foresight in his choice of the HST-Space over other HSTs, especially when ethnically he was more suited to HST-Water (albeit he also volunteers for don’t-take-bath movement.)
Renoy had found me from god knows where and I responded to him god knows why. However, he turned out to be an atheist and I a believer. That’s how it ends (or does it?).
Renoy looks like an amalgamation of a squirrel sans the furry coat and has instantly recognizable hollow cheeks. His junior at HST-Space, Argh tells me now that Renoy looks like every other HST-an of his species. The species we are talking of here is the species that lacks happiness- not literally but metaphorically. Of course you and I would not understand that but let’s leave it that way.
Renoy used to buzz me every other day asking about the daily weather and we also discussed things which vaguely sounded akin to a discipline of social science but now I relate it more with the Water cycle- for that’s the area of specialization of Renoy.
He spends his days, like Blake’s Thel, ruminating on impermanence of things. What he does not realize is that things are impermanent because people like him move around in the world making it imperfect.
He also uses a special sort of license to get through the world called ‘Lunatic license’. This license comes in handy in any situation where he has messed up and is basically waiting behind the bush to prowl on the latest soft target. To me he was quite nice in the beginning because at that time he was in a mood to bug someone and most of his conversations would eventually work around massive questions. These questions being massive did not have any relevance to our real situations, which I understood later. The questions ranged from “Why do human beings talk?” (He is no human though) to much more…
He is very fond of Xerox copies- as in when he gets something in the original, he isn’t satisfied. So he goes to the Xerox centre (that’s the only time he moves out of his room at HST) and gets the original thing Xeroxed for his perusal. He throws away the original after that. Also he likes to imagine things- he is in love with ghosts and hates those ghosts if they turn out to be congenial.
He has been to Greenland once and that is the high point of his otherwise bleak life. In Greenland he fancied a redhead who of course was nice to him but he had to mess it. He messed it wonderfully well and now he is looking for a blonde I suppose.
Anyways, more about him in the next mail. J

Cheers,
Tan

Letter 16

Hey Tan,

I am sitting to write to you after such a long time that it seems like ages. Though we had decided to keep contact through letters rather than talking for long on the phone and causing damage to our brain cells, something or the other always prevents us from doing so. Now these 2months, all three of us got so busy with the exams, term papers and stuff that we could not even manage to write letters. I hate exams! I hate exams! I hate exams! You must be thinking that i have gone crazy but seriously these exams make me go crazy and after a point i don't realize the point of giving exams which supposedly test everything that i have learnt in 4months within a span a 2hours. Anyways once i start exam-bashing, i wont stop and see how stupid i am, i still haven't even asked anything about u. So whats up with you girl and how is it going with the new kid on the block, the Renoy 'kid' you were talking about? You must give a full update on the scenario in your next letter. I will eagerly wait for the infos and you know how much I am interested in gossip. ;)

And you know Tan, i missed you so much. I had so much to say but couldn't find anyone around. I couldn't find Cos also and I don't know where she has disappeared these days. She also must be busy with her exams. But the last time I met her, she was telling me about Nike. You remember Nike right, the guy from HST-Air. Whatever Cos said, he did seem like a bit weird and the way he had left her in the middle of the road with the man in the green shirt in the vicinity with his "dekha jo tujhe yaar song" (though I find it quite funny sometimes) was unbelievable. But you know, Cos was saying that he had taken her for dinner to make up for what he had done and to say sorry. But there also he did something weird (how long can HST-ans resist themselves from doing weird stuff). He took Cos to a cafe and showed her the seat where he had sat at the time when he had broken up with his girlfriend. I don't know why he needed to do that but all that was fine. What he did after that was not at all expected, at least Cos did not expect that. Cos needed a book for a project she had to do and Nike had that book. Whatever the HST-ans do, they have quite a good collection of books (whether they buy it or steal it they know better ). But Nike kept making some excuse or the other and kept ignoring Cos' phone calls and did not even give the book. Cos had told him that she needed it for a project bu still he did not. I don't know what he was up to as Cos was saying that he had become quite a good friend of hers. But what else can we expect from the HST people. Their mind works differently from normal people, their brain is made of such complicated tissues and their thoughts are so complicated that if anyday someone sits to untangle them, he will go mad. :)

I have to go for dinner now...I will wait for your reply... Reply soon and take care girlie..

Lots of love

Sec

Letter 15

Hey Sec and Cos,

Sec, I wonder why you have started quoting existentialists… but that apart, it was great to have your letterNow as to why I mention this you can fairly understand I suppose. The HST-Air student’s murder of the young girl, Rashmi, has been reported in media from a certain point of view but I am more interested in the point of view of the girl who died as Juhi would know. The motive of the murder seems to be Vinu’s jealousy- he couldn’t stand the fact that Rashmi had affairs before he met her (I saw this on TV, which as you know reports 100% reality all the time)!

How should it matter to anyone on earth if his/her lover has had lovers in the past before he/she met you?

Sec, tell me... would it matter to you if Sam confesses to you about his past affairs? I know you hate Sam, but can that hate be subverted by any such admission on his part? I don’t think so. Then why should there be any change in love? I fail to understand why love is said to operate on a scale totally different from any other emotion.

Meanwhile, as you know, I am extremely bored and out of work. Not that all my work is done, thing is, I do not feel motivated enough to work. I feel lonely and sad every now and then, which is a contagious disease.

My computer is also going nuts by the day and I have to access everything from the task manager. This reminds me of days when Dugald would instruct me how to go about repairing my computer, but alas those days are quite over because I no longer talk to Dugald frequently. And if I do not talk to someone I can not possibly ask the person to instruct me to repair something as personal computer!

I wish it was a boat then I could consult Rehan or was it an airplane, I could consult Rohan.

To tackle my boredom I googled ‘HST + Crime’. And guess what? There were entire histories of HST-ans indulging in various crimes. How exciting! Isn’t it?

One case of HST-Fire says that a guy from that institute took phone numbers of the girl friends of all his friends without their knowledge and then rang the girl’s from unknown numbers asking for their fathers. And to the respective fathers he said that he would inform them about their daughter’s wayward whereabouts along with the name of their lovers in return for money. He negotiated for online transfer of money and duped his own friends. The police later caught up with him. And then he confessed that he was doing what he did to have a luxurious lifestyle.

Now what I wonder is why would he do so much for a ‘luxurious lifestyle’? How dumb can HST-ans get… he should rather have ‘luxuriated’ (whatever that means!) with the hot girl’s whose numbers he stole! I wish he had taken my advice.

I asked Rohan whether he knew about this episode in his institution. He claimed he didn't know anything about this fraudulent guy but I think Rohan’s recent break up with Pichku owes to this act of notoriety going on in his institution. May be it was that fraud who informed Pichku's father or something about Rohan?!

Personally, I hate Pichku because it was due to her that Rohan and my fiery start never ever took off and our summer fling dwindled. Pichku was seeing Rohan even then, but he never admitted to seeing her. This sort of affair I call one-eyed affair: only one party admits to ‘seeing’.

So I suppose I should have left him to his denied lover Pichku but, as you know, I am generous and large-hearted. So I let him engage in repartee with me for summer. However, I did not expect him to slide off as easily as he did- he could afford to do that because once he was back in his HST premise, Pichku from the neighboring locality kept meeting him and his focus on me got totally diverted. So now I am loving his separation from Pichku.

As for the new kid on the block- things are simmering there now. He is from HST-Space, called Renoy and is slightly difficult to understand. In fact, I am still not sure what to make of him but I took an instant liking to him because both of us like the marvelous singer called Altaf Raja and we keep discussing Raja’s 90s masterpiece : Tum Toh Thaire Pardesi, Saath Kya Nibhaoge?.

Renoy uses Saussure-Derrida to deconstruct the lyrics and I use Gayatri Spivak and Adrienne Rich. So we have the convergence of multiple theoretical perspectives while discussing the seminal performative text of the last century. By the way, as you must have understood now this Renoy knows a lot about our disciplines of study and interest. In fact he does not even like HST. Of course, Dugald and Rohan also told me once in a while that they do not like HST but Renoy seems more certain of his opinion this way.

Another good thing about Renoy is that he shares Cos’s habit of counting things. He looks into the mechanism of manufacturing and maintaining calculators in HST.

I am quite tired today. Will continue from here in my next letter.

Ciao!

Tan.

letter 14

hey Tan and Cos,

How long will you be away Cosie?? I know you are enjoying your trip to the dry part of the world very much but you know how much me and Tan miss you. We both are missing your letters and I am dying to get more info about Nike. He must have done something weird in all these days. So girlie come back soon and help us catch up with some hot and happening news about the weirdos we love so much..;)

And Tan its really nice to know that you are using your deo bottles in a productive manner these days rather than emptying them on you. hehe.Just kidding. And guess what, I have tried to find an explanation for Sud's fascination with female innerwear. I think Brecht's words have made a great impression on him. And here I quote Brecht: "From the cradle to the coffin, underwear comes first". :P I dont know how much literary-minded this guy is but for sure whatever he must come upon this line somewhere. You know what let me know something about the new kid on the block. I am just so curious. People might think that I am too curious about these HST-ans but what can I do, they are so interesting(in a good way or bad, whatevr it is, you just cannot deny that they are interesting).

But what shocked the hell out of me day before yesterday was what I saw on the idiot box. And then my friend Juhi called me up and said that she knew the girl Rashmi who was murdered by the HST guy. You people have met Juhi once when she came to our college last year. She is the fair and tall girl. I knew that these weirdos are frustrated individuals, they are sex-starved and all but I did not know that they can be dangerous also. I mean Rehan makes and repairs boats, Rohan makes paper-planes, Sam mugs up every book he gets ---this was all fine. They were doing what HST was teaching them. They also behave weirdly specially with girls but that also is understandable because of their existence in almost out of the way places where no human beings but only HST-ans can survive. But what I did not know was that they can get ferocious when jilted in love. I dont know if they know the meaning of love but i guess they also "fall" in love. And in every sense of the term they "fall". This guy from HST-Air named Vinu has brutally murdered the "love of his life"( this is what he used to call her). What Juhi was saying was that, the guy was always a bit of a show-off. He kept saying publicly that he loved Rashmi "madly" (ya sure, he was mad, now that he has murdered her). Rashmi used to be irritated with such kind of behaviour. She was also studying in a prestigious institution and was a brilliant student. They were having some problems regarding this but then both of them had gone to a hill station to celebrate Rashmi's birthday. You people must have seen what happened after that on the TV. I just dont have any words to say. If this is what "falling" in love for the HST people mean and if this what loving "madly" means, then I admit that I had not known the meaning of these words before correctly. I just cant say how much disturbed I am as Juhi kept crying on the phone but I didnt know what to say to console her. Rashmi must have been of our age only and I cant believe her life just ended because of the whim of a pathetic loser. Just dont know what else to say about these weirdos. We thought of them to be silly but they are not--- they are vicious. I just pray to God that all HST- ans dont turn out to be so.

So much for today...Love ya both...Write to me soon ....

Sec

Letter 13

Hi Cos and Sec,

Cos seems to play hard-to-get these days as well. But Sec, Sud seems to be quite a thing. I mean I understand that HST-ans lead a life buried under statistics but then I did not imagine them to be so fascinated with female under-wears. And to think of bra collection as a hobby is beyond the most frustrating things I have heard in a long time, worse than the dont-take-bath movement.

However, I should not have been surprised really because Rohan, from HST-Fire too used to be obsessed with figures (numeric/ feminine). Last night I had kept a few of our letters on my desk when a very good friend of mine Wishie saw them and asked me if she could read them. Of course, I allowed considering she's a good friend plus we (Cos, SEC and I) never like the idea of privacy. What is more, Wishie and I happen to have a common HST-an friend. That guy is from HST-Space (not the new kid in town, but an old rusty friend. I know this is getting confusing but... !!) .

Anyhow Wishie told me how a love and sex-starved HST-an was consoling another such fellow in a blog. HST-an 1 tells HST-an 2: "Don't you worry dude. One day we'll extract our pound of flesh with a vengeance." What that means essentially is that, HST-ans are hot property outside HST in the marriage market. Of course it doesn't make much coherent sense to me since I always thought marriage does not have much to do with farming, boat repairing, plane manufacturing skills but then not everyone thinks the same. A little more probing on my part quickly revealed that HST-ans often claim a lot of dowry along with their pound of flesh. Do they teach in HST to be good husbands? No. Of course not. But what they teach in HST lays foundation for money churning and the Pound of Flesh happily lives with that. The irony however is that HST-an doesn't have an option but to go for the bargain. That is the most he can get under the circumstances: live with the flesh that was bought at some random slaughter house.

Yet I will not blame HST-ans alone for this. The pound of flesh is equally at fault.

Cos and Sec, I take heart from the fact that we shall never be that pound of flesh. Neither shall Wishie be, for she is an intelligent and smart woman.

Anyways, Sec I am glad to inform you that my deo and perfume bottles are well in use because there are too many dont-take-bath movement supporters around me. So I carry my perfume and deo around spraying wherever I can, almost like an environment freshener.

In the next mail I will update you about what happened in the summer with Rohan. Meanwhile, just think of it- I checked Sud's profile and he happened to be Dugald's friend. So you can imagine what he will be like. And I also read the testimonial where a girl has written stuffs about him which painfully resemble what I feel like writing to the new kid in town from HST-Space.

I quote some of it:

"One can not expect to get to speak to Sud always because he is often out of order and in those times he is beyond the reach of anything vaguely human and seemingly normative."

So here we go again. yet another victim of the whims of an HST-an. I think feminist brigades should launch a campaign to ban the interactions of any female with the members of this institution err... but then my life would sink to depths of banality (even worse than what it is now, if that's possible)

Let's hope for change. Write to me.

Love ya,

Tan.

letter 12

hey girlies,

hows u people?? As you can see my way of writing is also getting affected by the internet slang. But what can I do, the weird kind of english in which people tend to speak and express themselves all over the virtual world is sure to have an impression. Yesterday only I was getting bored by reading criticisms on Shakespeare and so started surfing randomly. Suddenly I came across this site where a certain competition was going on where they wanted long distance love stories. The stories were from all parts of our country but the funny part was the richness of the language in which they were written. If you guys see the stories, I am sure you wont stop laughing. But i guess you are supposed to overlook the language and give more importance to the feelings as they were stories of "luubh". Anyways I should not be so critical about people as we should always keep in mind while criticising anyone that he or she might not have got the same opportunities as we might have got (very badly quoting the opinion of the famous author). hehehe

And to get back to my weirdo Sam, he is playing hard- to- get these days. Sometimes he comes online n chats and many times even if he is online he does not buzz me. But I am happy that he has not called me yet. God only knows what he wants or should I say God only knows what all the HST-ans want. I just dont know what to expect from these people. I mean what is their problem in life. They are the brilliant brains of our country so why do they need to be so weird.

You know recently I am encountering a flood of requests on various networking sites from HST-ans and while visiting the profile of one of them my opinions about HST-ans have turned to my conviction and now I know that whatever we think about them is 100% correct. There is no room for any doubt. This creature's name is Sud and he is from HST-earth ( same as where our beloved Rehan studies). He has written a poem to describe himself which talks of his sad life ranging from his childhood. Upto this point it was fine but after this the things I saw just kept my eyes wide open. He is nothing but a frustrated individual or to say more explicitly sexually starved. He is interested in raunchy stuff which includes fantasising about women, not only young but middle- aged. His hobby is to think about "bras". Yes it is just what you have read, their is no symbolic meaning, its literally that what he thinks about and is fascinated by. I almost ran back to my home page from his profile page. I mean how can someone be so sick. And then he has almost a thousand friends with people saying all mushy and cuddly stuff about him.

Anyways you people also update me about what is going on at your end. And I hope these weirdos just stop sending me friendship requests. It just creeps me out. So till then byee. Love you both......

Sec

letter 11

Here I am Tan to answer your queries. I think you will be happy to know that I take bath regularly in spite of the extreme cold weather of the place where I stay. Dont you dare compare me in any way with the HST-ans. Now that I have come to think of it, tell me something Tan why did your deo-bottle get empty after few days you bought them and why did you always use so much perfume. I think you quite understand what I am trying to say. And as far as my giving in to excesses is concerned, I was always into excesses. I always seem to take notice of the most scandalous things around me and I enjoy them. I have no qualms about accepting that. I completely get what you are hinting at but I have never abstained myself from anything wet, you know what i mean :) hahaha......

Anyways yaar. I have two consecutive assingments for which I have done nothing. Have to get back to work. Wish me luck...

Sec

letter 10- contd...

Sec,

This is a hurried P.S to the last mail. Cos just told me that you might have become nymphomaniac after your abstinence from anything wet you have now given yourself to excesses? Really??
I am anxious. reply fast.


anxiously,
Tan

Letter 10

Sweeties,

I totally love you guys because your last e-mails gave me the idea for my research concentration. And now its final- it will be a culture study of HST farms and a comparative analysis of the four HSTs we know of. I know other HSTs exist but then, in research we have to be indicative.

I will compare the fertility of the brains of HST-ans and they must be having a lot of fertilizer deposited on their bodies because you know HST-ans do not bath. Yes! They have taken upon themselves to conserve water on behalf of rest of the world.
They only bath once a year- on Holi. That too, because, they feel that chemicals in those colours shall destroy the natural fertilizer multiplying on their skin. YUCKS!

By the way, Sec- do you take bath? During winter, especially? It is difficult to trust you do, considering even you are very sensitive to environmental issues.
Cos- I am impatient to know if the green shirted fat man sang the song as sophisticatedly as Mika?

As a matter of fact, anything connected to guitar makes me slightly high. No. I don’t stand up on the bench or something when I see a guitar- but I feel something special working out in my body and soul. No HST-an I know can play guitar. Not even Dugald with his musical inclinations. (Dugald seems to have become quite popular too- both of you cross referred to him in your mails!!) I guess that’s why guitar still sounds so musical anyway.

There is another musically inclined HST-an I know. From HST-Fire. He makes paper planes. The one’s that don’t fly. The one’s that crash even if they do. I can foresee a bright day when Rehan will take over the water with his boats and Rohan (that’s this fellow’s name) shall take over the air. What will we be left with then? I wonder. I wonder.

Rohan is a curly haired, chubby cheeked child of two rich human beings. So, by the virtue of that he is a human too, at least genetically. I have no idea if they undergo mutation in HST but presuming he’s still human I can tell you he is an extremely horny specimen. He wants to mate like flies and there are very few human females whom he does not find hot. And what’s more, he writes limericks instead of answers in his semester papers, gets terminated and re does the exam and re writes limericks.

I met him first in the season of summer when HST-ans are let out in groups to fend for themselves. And then the rest is too fiery to be divulged in this mail because you have asked me about my non-HST-an whereabouts too.
Now HST is the place where you find the maximum freaks, but it is by no means the only place to find freaks.
Last year I encountered a large eyed guy called Bassanio and started hanging out with him. He had a squeaky voice and eerie opinions about all things but seemed largely nice hearted. Among other things he took delight in the fact that my good name Tania rhymes with Portia, the name of Bassanio’s love interest in The Merchant of Venice. I failed to understand why it was so relevant but he was very confident that he was sending across a secret code through the message. Another day he asked me if I can cook biriyani, I said that I can only cook hot water and that dissatisfied him. In fact, he took offence.

I did not understand back then why cooking of hot water put Bassy off. Now I know his secret. Guess what… like HST-ans he is environment sensitive too. In fact he was the initiator of don’t take bath movement! He invited me to join in but I felt that I can criticize the movement better from a distance rather than getting directly involved. But I did go to a parade in its support and I recommend both of you to support the cause. I can give you Bassy’s contacts too if you want to get it- and Sam and Nike don’t have to be insecure about your getting in touch with Bassy for Bassy is a very gay guy, not malicious at all and he does no one no harm.

I am looking forward to your support, till then, I am busy counting the number of times a certain HST-an buzzed me over the last couple of months. Will tell you the results soon.
By the way Sec, does your roomie really want Sam that badly? Then give him to her. I tell you there shall always be more HST-ans.


Love and Satan Bless,
Tan.

Letter 9

heya girlies,

I am sooo happy to be back to my normal self again. Its so boring to go into the depression mode and go on nagging about how sad life is. So Tan, just dont worry about me. Here I am, back with full enthu and energy to write my name all over the world. And Cosie, your letter made me laugh so much that I almost fell off the chair, I just did not know Nike could be this weird. The time I met him, he seemed quite sane. But I guess HST makes people go mad and behave like weirdos. But I must say your use of animal imageries has just got better by the day and you have attained quite a level while describing Nike. :P By the way I love the song "dekha jo tujhe yaar", I hope that green-shirted fellow sang it in tune. Just kidding yaa.

You know what, I was thinking of giving up my habit of criticising HST guys but I just cant do that because they provide all the fodder for my laughter. Now what do I say. I know this guy from school, he was my senior and the world knows him as Sam. You can well understand why I am talking about him. Yes, he is presently in HST- water, researching on creating a machine which will help people to read all day and night without getting tired. I dont know why God has created such people. After the amount of study all of us do these days, who wants to study more that he trying to make such a machine. Anyways, he was this geeky-looking guy in school with huge glasses (here he resembles your Dugald, Tan). Even when there was some king of function in school he used to wear those over-sized kurtas and pyajamas. He mailed me when he came to know that I was in the same city and asked me if we could meet. He is my senior from school, so couldnt say no. I had interacted with him once in school when we were managing a same event and didnt know him so well. Still we met and the strange part was that he called to HST to meet him. The kind of geek he is, he does not get out of the campus and I was not surprised that he called me to HST only. I was waiting for him in the on-campus coffee-shop with my roomie (who is also from my school and I dont go anywhere without her. jokes apart, actually she wanted the senior from school) and after a while Sammy entered. And oh my god, what should I say. I just couldnt stop my jaws dropping coz I just couldnt believe my own eyes. I couldnt believe what I was seeing in front of my own eyes. The over-sized kurtas were replaced by a t-shirt with a weird kind of design on it. He was wearing shorts and with all this he had worn a richie-rich $ sign. hahaha. I still laugh whenever the image comes to my head. HST has turned him into a complete freak. He came and sat, he just couldnt recognise my roomie. He started talking about the "special bond" I shared with him in school (by the way I had no clue when we shared this bond). After going on and on about that, he started talking about his life at HST which includes study, study and some more study---nothing else. It was all about how much he studies and blah blah blah. I just wanted to run away from there. I knew my roomie was getting angry coz he just kept saying that he could not even remember seeing her in school. After a while, he asked for our numbers so that he can contact us later. I gave him my number and at that precise moment he just ran away saying that he had some important class to attend.I thought he had asked for both me n my roomie's number but I guess he wanted only mine. I guess he just wants to strengthen the "special bond" we shared. God save me from this weirdo. I just hope he doesnt call. Nothing is in my hands though.

So girlies, so much for today. By the way Tan, why are you getting worked up also with the non-HST-ans? Is anything wrong? Whatever it is just chill and relax and lemme know in your next mail whats the matter. Love for you both.....:)

Sec